So Youd Easily Save 400 a Year by Going the Oldfashioned Routeã¢â‚¬â€which Again Sylvan Points Out

Yep, I am a stinker..

(special thanks to Bri for some help with a artistic decision )

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â€Å"Remember, don’t endeavor this at dwelling.†Said Adam Jansen.

â€Å"We’re what you’d phone call experts.†Added Minsc Hyneman.

â€Å"Really, you’re just idiots. (Though HOW exactly they’ve managed to live through all the contra-survival behavior they exhibit is one for the sages…)†Muttered the producer Edward Odesseiron.

â€Å"On today’due south bear witness, first nosotros have to introduce our new myth-tern, Kelsey Grommit!†said Adam Jansen.

A shy immature human being steps out into the camera’s viewpoint, wearing blue jeans and a pink shirt. The other ii myth-terns, Aerie and Nalia look at him with pity in their eyes. The new guy was inevitably the guinea hog for any new and marvelous ways to meet Captain that Adam could come up up with. Remembering the endeavor to harness griffin flatulence as a new course of rocket propulsion, they shuddered in horror. The logic had been simple enough. Griffin flatulence is one of the most odiferous stinks in nature. This had suggested to the completely insane gnome that it was exceptionally rich in ketones and combustibles, and then they had attached lit torches about the southern function of a north-facing griffin, and fed information technology a huge bowl of beans. A screaming and hysterical Mazzy Fentan was strapped on the griffin, and everyone ran for cover. The promising basketball game career of the once half dozen foot tall athlete was cut tragically short. The doctors had been able to save her life, merely her os structure would never be the same again. Not to mention the irreparable damage done to her hair by the fireball.

â€Å"Well, howdy in that location.†Kelsey was patently still rather unused to being on camera. Aerie and Nalia smiled at the shy young man, aware of his probable grisly fate. Unfortunately they couldn’t actually practice anything similar warn him to run for his life. Of class not, otherwise THEY would exist the guinea pigs in this show. Aerie’s debut episode had involved testing the myth apropos the Avariel. Aerie belonged to that adjunct of the Sylvan elves, and Adam wanted to examination if the legends of Avariel flight were true. As usual poor Minsc had protested and tried to provide her with protective gear, simply also as usual the flamboyant and artistically pretentious producer, Edwin Odesseiron had insisted, â€Å"Realism, verisimilitude, and above all the potential for bodily harm are what drives up the ratings!!!†Minsc had to give in, since he was literally hocked up to his eyeballs with animal psychiatrist fees for his friend Boo. The poor hamster was however in therapy afterwards watching Minsc test out the â€Å"Ming Dynasty Astronaut†myth. Seeing him in that replica Ming dynasty throne with 250 rockets strapped to the bottom, and Adam lighting the fuse had induced a nervous breakdown. He now quacked similar a duck. Fortunately Minsc had worn his flame-retardant long johns that day, or he wouldn’t have made it. Unfortunately, he lost all his hair in the fire, but luckily his huge mustache was intact, since the turnip juice he’d been using to make his hirsute facial decoration grow had made it highly resistant to burn.

Poor Aerie had been fed a whole bottle of near beer, and was completely inebriated; singing off primal karaoke songs while Adam had loaded her into the behemothic slingshot. This fiendish contraption had been congenital to test out the myth about how ancient Amnians had used drunken dwarves wearing boxing armor as catapult armament for particularly vexing enemies. The aforementioned vertically challenged demi-human in question was a very drunk myth-tern named Korgan Bloodaxe. He had bounced several times, and due to all the jostling acquired a horribly bad example of movement sickness. The resultant vomit spray had landed on anther myth-tern, Anomen Delryn, whose subsequent loss of pilus all over his body due to the corrosive nature of the regurgitation had produced a verdict of â€Å"Plausible†past Adam Jansen. Aerie’s flight was no less spectacular. Her trajectory fortunately concluded in the griffin pens synthetic for the â€Å"Griffin Flatulence Propulsion†myth, and a huge steaming pile of griffin manure broke Aerie’due south fall. Aerie survived her debut episode of â€Å"Gnome-busters†with a few bruises, hours of scrubbing before she was fit to rejoin polite guild, and a deep constant mistrust of Adam Jansen.

More than once Aerie had talked to Nalia almost the advisability of working for a tv set show that was as well inexpensive to buy a replacement crash-test dummy to be the subject of the insane gnome’due south experiments. But ratings had gone up, later on the first myth-terns had been pressed into taking Buster’south place, and then at present it was a regular office of the program. Poor good-hearted Minsc did what he could to provide protective gear, and to return less unsafe some of Adam’s inventions; nevertheless the comprehensive boilerplate in the contract they all had signed had rendered most of his efforts moot. Information technology wasn’t so much that Adam Jansen was evil, or a bad person. In fact, the genial gnome actually didn’t possess a hateful bone in his body. Simply he got so carried abroad with his experiments that he doesn’t realize, for example, that someone wouldn’t desire to strap on a diving suit made of chum and leap into a pool of piranha poodles to see if pulling their pompadours volition make them stop attacking you. He but couldn’t comprehend that people wouldn’t risk existence nipped or yipped to death merely to examination out a theory. No…the person they blamed the most was their insufferable, annoying and just manifestly chaotic-evil producer, Edward Odesseiron. He insisted on using the Myth-terns equally crash exam dummies, citing higher ratings whenever they complained, and and so producing the ironclad hire contracts. Oh, it would have been so Expert to get him, somehow…

â€Å"Ok, gang, today, we’re going to exist investigating the myth suggested in the website in which a cartoon strip showed some gnomes raising a sunken ship by pumping dried turnips into the concord. Now, Kelsey, I believe you’re a professional diver, correct? So all we need is a boat that nosotros tin can sink, and a truckload of dried turnips.†Began Adam Jansen.

â€Å"Start, let’south see what we can get in the gunkhole yards. I’ve already arranged for the truckload of stale turnips to come across us at the Docks district. Let’s become!†The little gnome was all enthused to begin this new project. The gang piled into Minsc’s pickup truck, and headed over to Saemon Havarian’s Marine Supplies.

They pulled upward at the Docks district of Athkatla, and piled off to see with the famous seaman. He stumped out of his office with a peg leg, a hook for his left arm, and an middle patch over his left heart. Poor Kelsey seemed to be in awe of the number of his replacements, and the get-go word out of his oral fissure after the introductions was a question.

â€Å"Err…excuse me, Mr. Havarian, but you certain seem to be missing some parts…†began Kelsey.

â€Å"Yes and avast, me laddie! Sure and begora, tis due to a lifetime at body of water, dealing with scurvy landlubbers, the foul tempers of the bounding main, and pirates.†Said Saemon.

â€Å"PIRATES! In this day and age? I’thou distressing, Mr. Havarian, but that’s a bit hard to believe!â€Â

â€Å"Yep, laddie, it sure is. It all happened when I was escorting this incredibly cute chippie and her sis back from an insane aviary called ‘Spellhold’. Some rogue Githyanki boarded united states of america. Yep, that scurvy band was breaking the interdimentional treaties betwixt the Astrals and u.s.a. hither in the Prime Material Plane. Anyway, to brand a long story curt, their helm hacked off me leg with his cutlass, and that, me boyo, is why I have a peg leg.†The retired body of water captain flashed his gold teeth at the wide-eyed young myth-tern.

â€Å"And your hand?â€Â

â€Å"Well, that hand marks me one foray into a landlubber business. I was providing some rather ‘hard to get items’ for a monastery in Amkethran, when lo and behold, I ran into the same chippie and her sister that was on the voyage where I lost me leg. They seemed a bit put out at me for some reason, shouting something well-nigh ‘Tailor!’ or some such, not that I was able to make it out ‘cause I was a mite busy fighting off some of the local constabulary. I told you that I was providing some ‘hard to get items’, yeah? Well, apparently I forgot some silly landlubber laws about bringing in weapons, belike. Anyway, one of the guards lopped off me left paw, and I swore to myself that I would never exist away from the bounding main again. Then later a brusk stay at a hospital, I moved me goods and men to here in the docks, and never looked back. I never did figure out what sartorial service that chippie wanted.†Said the rogue with a benevolent grin.

â€Å"And the eye, sir?†Kelsey was more than a picayune broad-eyed at this singular narrative.

â€Å"Well, that laddie, is seagull crap.â€Â

â€Å"Seagull crap???!!!â€Â

â€Å"Aye, laddie. A seagull crapped into me middle while I was looking up, and I but had me hook for a few days.â€Â

â€Å"Well, Mr. Havarian, permit us move to our business organisation, shall nosotros? I assume you’ve got the boat we need?†Adam ignored the goggle eyed Kelsey, who was still trying to deal with Saemon’south story, and briskly rubbed his hands, eager to get along with things.

â€Å"Aye, here she is, the Southward.S. Minnow. It fits yer-exacting requirements, a scuttling valve centerline in the main hold, to let the bounding main in, decent portholes that close, and it floats. Best of all, it fits yer price, merely one hundred aureate.†Said the redoubtable seaman, pointing at a rather dilapidated and rather battered boat sitting on the water next to the pier.

â€Å"Marvelous!†Adam clapped his hands and jumped aboard the small ship.

â€Å"Hey! The door is also small! In fact, this whole gunkhole is too small!†Adam looked at the small hatch, which was simply perfect for his own four-foot frame, but would obviously present problems for the rest of the cast.

â€Å"Well, that be ‘cause she was built past halflings. That’s why she’south and so inexpensive. Deplorable matey, but that exist the best I can do.†Said the redoubtable seaman regretfully.

â€Å"Well, I guess that it will take to exercise. Ok, since information technology looks like I’g going to be pumping in the turnips, where’s my wetsuit? And I’ll need a hand with the equipment and stuff in the water. Kelsey, you’re upward!†Adam and the rest of the cast knew information technology was useless asking for a bigger upkeep to get a better transport. Edwin would zippo anything that meant spending more money.

â€Å"Urm…sorry dominate, but I got an infection in my inner ear. I can’t dive for another calendar month or and then. Sad.†Said a regretful looking Kelsey. Only Nalia and Aerie noticed the crossed fingers behind his dorsum.

â€Å"Darn! Well, Minsc’s wetsuit is still in the shop afterward that â€Å"Scuba Diver†myth, so we need another diver. Aerie, Nalia, you guys desire some quickie scuba lessons?†Aerie and Nalia apace shook their heads.

â€Å"We’re doomed…Adam, we demand a certified scuba diver to avoid OSHA violations. Distressing.†Said their cameraman Xan.

â€Å"Ok, Edwin, you got your wetsuit?†Asked Adam.

â€Å"What! Why do I have to do this? Jansen, you better know what you’re doing! Grommit, go get my wetsuit from equipment locker B in the equipment truck. (I accept a bad feeling about diving with this gnome.)†Said Edwin.

After the Minnow was sunk, both Edwin and Adam leapt into the harbor. Both came out over again as quickly. Athkatla harbor was virtually a river fed past the glaciers atop the Cloud Peaks Mountains, and at particular times of the year, the water was literally freezing common cold. They stood shivering on the docks despite their wetsuits.

â€Å"AAAGGGHHH!!! Also cold! Nosotros can’t work in temperatures this depression. These wetsuits are for tropical waters.†Said Edwin through his chattering teeth.

â€Å"Well, we exercise accept that radiant water heater in the back of the equipment truck. Say we rig upward a hose down to you lot two and a pump, and the heated water should warm you upwards. Just stick it into the dorsum of your suit pants.†Suggested Minsc.

â€Å"That sounds good, Hyneman.†Said Edwin. Aerie, Nalia and Kelsey gear up the equipment, and within a few minutes, the piddling improvised device was setup, and tested. Kelsey took the two output hoses, and handed them over to Edwin.

â€Å"Ok, Grommit, just hand Jansen his hose. Jansen, get ahead, I need to speak to Grommit for a second. (At least it was Hyneman who congenital this contraption.)†Edward pulled the dark-green myth-tern abroad from the others.

â€Å"Grommit, hither, take this, and dump it into Jansen’s hose feed. We really should examination out this myth about the diver who had a jellyfish pumped into his pants today. (And hopefully the abrasive gnome’s antics in trying to deal with a jellyfish down his trousers should amend ratings for this week’s show. I need a new condo.)†Edwin handed over to the puzzled myth-tern a bucket full of blueish plastic bags, which turned out to be Portuguese Homo-of-State of war Jellyfish. Edwin inserted his own heating hose into his pants, and jumped back into the frigid water.

Kelsey gave an evil smiling, and as shortly equally the two intrepid aqua-nauts had been down for a few minutes, showed Minsc the saucepan. Everyone began to chuckle, except Xan of course, as they realized that here was finally a gamble to hoist Edwin by his own petard. Minsc popped open the feed tank for Edwin’s suit heater, and poured the bucket full of jellyfish into the tank. The jellyfish refused to go down the small drain, then Kelsey ran into the equipment van, and ran back to the dock with a plumber’southward helper. With some skilled handling of the implement, Minsc was able to strength the invertebrates down into the tank vent.

â€Å"What the…OH DAMN!!! WHAT THE FRICK!!! OW!!! OW!!! OW!!! GROMMIT! THOSE ARE THE WRONG TROUSERS! GROMMIT, YOU’VE GOT THE WRONG TROUSERS!!!†Edwin emerged out of the water as if levitated, and ran screaming toward the equipment van, scratching his posterior furiously.

â€Å"Urm, Eddy, y'all really don’t want to exercise that, you’re just going to bulldoze the jellyfish deeper into your…â€Âbegan Minsc helpfully.

â€Å"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!†the horrifying moan of the damned came out of the van.

â€Å"Um, never heed.†No i could keep standing, considering they were laughing so hard. Only Xan kept muttering something about â€Å"beware of a ticked off Thayan’southward wrath†but even he could be seen grin out of the corners of his mouth.

The next 24-hour interval, Edwin charged into the common area, with blood in his center.

â€Å"GROMMIT!!! Where is he? I’m going to…†his descriptions of the punishments he planned for Kelsey were quite graphic and horrifying.

â€Å"Well, he’s quit and got a task with a diving company.†Minsc looked like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth as Edwin cursed in several different languages for a full five minutes directly. Then he got a sudden wide-eyed expect on his face.

â€Å"Um…guys, do you happen to have any Grooming-H? PLEASE??? I really need to utilise the facilities, but my posterior has kind of…swelled upwardly. Please? For your quondam buddy Edwin Odesseiron?†Adam got a concerned look on his face up, and afterward rummaging in a drawer, handed over to Edwin a tube. Eddy grabbed the tube and made a dash for the lavatory.

â€Å"I didn’t know we had that stuff lying effectually,†said Nalia.

â€Å"Oh, it’south a new experimental product I’ve been developing for Jansen industries. Here, have a look.†Adam handed over to Nalia another tube of the ointment.

â€Å"Jansen Make Preparation J. Active ingredients are urushiol oil, Menthol, and oleoresin capsicum. Hey, wait a 2nd! Menthol is the active ingredient in Icy-Hot, and Ben-Gay! And isn’t oleoresin capsicum the stuff they apply in pepper spray?†asked Nalia in some confusion.

â€Å"And urushiol oil is the stuff that’s in poisonous substance ivy and poison oak plants. Adam, you really can’t use this stuff for…you know, dealing with swelling and itching at sensitive parts of the body…†Minsc said this with a direct confront, even though his lips were quivering with holding in his guffaws.

â€Å"Oh dearest, remind me to call Cousin Beloo to recall all the tubes off the store shelves. No wonder information technology hardly sold at all. I really can’t imagine what I was thinking…†said the atoning gnome.

â€Å"%$#@*&^%$$!!!†Horrible swearing could exist heard from the direction of the lavatories.

â€Å"I gotta bad feeling about whatever myth-tern Boil hires side by side.†Said Aerie. They knew that Edwin couldn’t take it out on Adam, because he was one of the stars of the show, so undoubtedly the adjacent myth-tern to be hired was going to be in deep doo-doo…

â€Å"Today, nosotros take a new myth-tern, let me introduce to you, Mellencamp.†Said Adam Jansen.

â€Å"And today’s prove will characteristic the myth about the infamous ‘Chicken Cannon’ myth, in which the…†continued Minsc Hyneman.

Poor Mellencamp’s eyes grew wider and wider equally Minsc continued.

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Source: https://www.gibberlings3.net/forums/topic/4489-gnomebusters-rated-m/

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